Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
