so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?