u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dating After Heartbreak
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?