i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups