Christians are straight up FREAKS
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Dick very happy bro