I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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