I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
