I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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