promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
