you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
