I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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