quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
