Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
