The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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