someone threw a dead crab at me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
