I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You can't motorboat a personality
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
