All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Randomize
