your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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