Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
