I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Be still, my beating vagina.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
