I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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