Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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