I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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