My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I checked into jail on foursquare
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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