His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
