I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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