that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Be still, my beating vagina.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
