Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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