our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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