i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
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She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
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I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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