She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize