Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
