1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
