Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
