I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
