So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
