Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
they're like a gay fantastic four
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
