so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
