he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
FUCK WHALES
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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