I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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