I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Holy shit dude........stairs
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
