Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
