I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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