i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
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Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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