so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
