theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
