im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
