apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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