Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
