There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I need to calm my uterus...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
