you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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