just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
How external is "for external use only"?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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