John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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