Even the bartender felt bad for me
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
