Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She said her name was "party"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
