Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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