you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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