im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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