I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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