He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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