i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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