Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
