The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
