He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
